The Best (Fake) Camp For Spoiled Children

Now that the school year is fully in swing, and all the “What did you do this summer?” show and tell conversations have been had, I’d like to tell you a little bit about a fake summer camp that I created this summer for my two kids who were going through a rather intensive boundary testing button pushing phase.

The invention of Minerva Bottomley, a pretty and stern task master of a camp head mistress, came after a particularly intolerable fit had by my daughter when her sheets were yellow instead of pink. The histrionics that accompanied this terrible “deprivation” were so extreme that, once she calmed down a bit, I sat her down and told her about a camp where all the sheets were grey. In fact, the mattresses were so thin that the kids could feel the lumpy springs jab into their backs. That got her attention.

“How did they sleep?” Lane asked me.

“They were so exhausted from brooming, folding, and cleaning that they hardly noticed.”

Lane composed herself pretty quickly and became very curious about this Minerva character and the kids whose parents sent them to a camp that was totally devoid of any fun.

Sensing a good thing, I elaborated. What started off as an offhanded remark turned into a fully-fledge camp with three-hour long “Gratitude Workshops”, “Folding Classes”, and a playground with only rocks and sticks for toys.

When they uttered a word of complaint about some amazing meal mom made for them, I reminded them gently that at Minerva Bottomley’s every meal is gruel –  a sloppy rubbery  bowl of whatever they happened to have around.  For kids who misbehaved (ie, their folds were crooked) Minerva made them sit on the ”punishment block” – a wooden box that automatically adjusts to the most uncomfortable position possible for each kid.

As the legend of Camp Bottomley grew, so did its effectiveness.

This might sound pretty mean to some of you and perhaps I had a little bit too much fun spinning these tales of miserable children at a wretched camp. But all summer, a quick little snippet about some kid’s woe from the Camp Bottomley always snapped them back into a more cooperative mood.

I made a brochure for the camp and left it around the house just to remind them that their life with two loving and attentive parents and more than one pair of sheets (regardless of their color) is actually quite wonderful.

If you think Minerva’s camp might be right for you, feel free to print out the brochure, spin your own tales, and hopefully buy yourself a bit more cooperation in the process.

Downloadable Discipline – Minerva Bottomley’s Brochure and Registration Form – PDF

Special thanks to the ever patient and blatantly honest Yelena Mirchevskaya for design input!